On Tuesday I had an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are ready to start my latest egg donor cycle. This is routine and always goes fine, ending with a pat on the back telling me I am ready to start the first injections.
This time, I have a large cyst in my right ovary that should have resolved itself by this point in my cycle. By large I mean 2cm, but on the ultrasound screen it looked like it filled at least half of the ovary. My doctor said that in most cases a cyst will resolve itself by my next period, but they don't want me to start medication until it's gone because it's possible to make the cyst grow, and then I wouldn't be able to add in the gonadotropins later on. So now I have to finish off my birth control pack rather than start injections, and get another ultrasound to make sure everything is quiet in my ovaries next month.
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| Via wiki, a 2cm left ovarian cyst, not mine |
Now, I have had my cycle timelines changed before, but it has never been because of me. I don't do well with the idea of my own failure {real or perceived} or causing disappointment. For the first time, I am getting a real sense of the frustration, sadness, and futility recipients must feel when they are dealing with infertility. My empathy is growing for the people I have helped in the past, and for those who are struggling with infertility. It's not my fault I have a cyst, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to control it. Same with my friends who have had miscarriages, or who are attempting to get pregnant.
It nearly broke my heart that I am holding up another woman's chance to start her family, even if by just a few weeks. Of course, I immediately conjured up worst case scenarios aside from not being able to donate right away. Things like "ovarian cancer", "tumors", and "losing an ovary" definitely came to mind. Granted, there is practically no chance that's what's happening {94% of ovarian cysts are benign}, I just couldn't help but go there. Don't we all assume the worst? I immediately thought of one of my heroes, Diem Brown, and the second bought of ovarian cancer she is currently battling. I didn't want to be in her shoes. I have cried right along with her as I watched her videos of her chemo hair loss, and silently prayed as I read her People blog posts about her battle. That's what I think of when I hear I have a cyst in an ovary, "Lord, don't let me be like Diem. I don't want to have cancer." A little dramatic, much? Yes, but friends, that is where my head goes when left alone to mull over a situation.
I came home from my appointment grouchy and introspective. I snapped a little at Billy throughout the morning, went for a run to help clear my mind, and then cuddled on Billy's lap for an hour and eventually felt better. I know I can do nothing to fix the cyst, it will clear on it's own and I will resume the cycle as planned. All things happen for a reason. It's always a surprise when I am matched up for another cycle since there are so many factors a recipient takes into account when choosing, and timing has to be right for all parties. I may push the estimated cycle time out, but by doing so, I will be able to give my recipient the healthiest eggs I can. I cling to this hope and know things will be right in the end. And if they are not? We will deal with that if it's the case, but what's the use in worrying about something that hasn't even happened, right?
Peace and baby making love to all of you in blog land!